why am i write?

because im totally antsy all of the time. duh.

also i kind of feel like i need to hear myself on paper more/again. im so restless and im getting frustrated and alot of time its like when you have paper mess and clothes mess and your putting it off and just dealing with it even though it makes you so mad but you dont want to deal with it and then you finally do and you realize it really wasnt all that bad and it really wasnt that had to manage it just felt that way because you were knee deep in it. and thats kind of how i feel about everything.

its shitty sometimes trying to sort out that people you come into contact with alot are different and because of that kind of play different roles. that sounds like people are just being used and disposed and it also sounds really chickensoupy but i guess more like because everyone is different and you are different every relationship you have with every everybody is totally different and you can't really expect to have the same relationship with different people and then also people aren't stagnant and you're not going to have the very very same dynamic with the same person always forever and the best thing you can hope for is very good changes.

and i guess realizing and accepting that all the time is what its supposed to be to have matured but im not sure we all get that and im not sure we all stay there all the time if we even really realize and accept that ever.

i remember reading something about someone talking about "bored people" and by bored people the huge gossipers and pit beefheads and mean spiritedness. shit happens but leeching off of shit that happens. i dont know, sometimes i feel like i should feel worse about drinking alot of whisky and falling and dancing weird and doing stupid things and talking weird and stealing pickles and things or wearing a half shirt or soleless shoes or i dont know all kinds of things that are maybe a little embarrassing. but honest, do i ever wouldratherbe a drunk or a fool or a crazy or a manic or a lonely or a crockpot than bored people. also, for saying "nah dude"s

my ex-roommate is a stand up gentleman and often i felt like a sloppy next to him and he never forgave me fully for covering the bathroom in electric blue vomit. he seems more and more to me a bored person. and then i felt worse for not feeling worse for being a little too haphazard. but i felt this phrase that he and his friends uttered in my living room was coated with proof of bored person: "let's talk about what kid we hate most in tempe"
absolute willies.

i dont know are you allowed to not like bored people and are you supposed to feel sorry and is it just a scapegoat to write them down as bored people. blow people.


better friends with olivia. sympathize about being weird people. we arent very alike in alot alot of ways. when we were first friends i think all we did was talk about work and eat 65cent cones late night in front of . and be silly. and dance. all that except the work and plus everything else in a really simple way and how we would imagine the insides of dried up verde tree pods to taste like. we both agreed kind of the same texture as a cucumber, but peeled. miss kyle.

miss liz and sarah and in completely different ways feel like i was so close with them. kind of hoping having completely different but equally good mostnearlybestfriendnesses is the same as different love. all different all good all incomparable. wish wish wish.

i am in a weird fucking mood, aren't i?
must be why i am write.
also, listen to too much shitgaze. lastfm confirms.

maybe mildly masochistic

when i was in first or maybe second grade i wanted a dog so badly which i really don't understand because i was a little afraid of dogs. i really really liked animals and was totally fascinated by them and was completely charmed by them and was completely, when it came down to it, scared of them in real life. my dad bought us our first dog penny and we had little puppy gates and i did whatever i could not to be in that gate area. like sit at the dinner table with my feet in my lap. and then run away really fast with a really full belly. but i was so happy to have that dog. even though i didnt want to be near it.

i want to say that ive become so mature and grown up and started doing things that make alot more sense but i still do that all the time. bizarre choices. always. and not like i know this is bad for me but imma do it anyway imma be free. may be the end of me once.

you know, buy dogs that im scared off and love them anyway. i totally got over it and i'd like to think our bond was way better than anyone else's in the house thank you very much. if we did the run to whoever is your real owner test there wouldn't even be a competition. biffles.



i pretty sure im going to turn into a packrat. cant toss anything. can collect everything.